Swipeless in Seattle

You know I was talking to my friend Tom last month.  He rents a houseboat off Westlake. His hobbies include taking selfies with his cat, choosing the perfect Instagram filter, and living vicariously through his friends on Facebook.  When I got to Tom’s house he was busy with another hobby of his; online dating, but he looked upset.  So I said, “Tom, what’s wrong?

He said, “Michael, no matter what I dating app I choose I just can’t seem to find love.  No matter how many times I swipe to the right, no one will swipe me back.  I’ve posted pics of me hiking Mt. Si., pics of me holding my landlords dog and even a photo-shopped picture of me with a six pack.  It’s hopeless, I wish there was better app out there, an app that would truly show women the real authentic me!

“I love outdoor activities, date me.”

At that moment I knew I needed to help Tom but I also knew that Tom was not alone there was many other men and women out there who were feeling “Swipeless in Seattle”…And you might be one of them yourself.

Hello Everyone, My name is Michael Valeri and today I’d like to share with you a revolutionary new dating app that will change that the way we romantically meet.  An app I like to call “Unfiltered”

The technology is based off 200,000 years of data and research in which we have found a way to create and interaction so organic that it feels like it’s happening in real time.

I know, it’s hard to believe that technology has really come this far and I’m happy to announce that I can provide a demo of it right now. Here’s how it works. First you filter for potential matches using a feature we like to call Ocular Tagging which requires you put your phone in your pocket and look around.

Once Ocular Tagging spots a potential match. you simply walk over and use a feature called Oral Linguistics which by the way is super intuitive.

“Nice to meet you Mary….” What brings you today’s event?”

Oral Linguistics and Ocular Tagging AT THE SAME TIME!

While waiting for a response you’ll be able to use a feature called Kinesics. Now, not all of our users will know how to use this feature or what it means for that matter but over time the application gets better at Kinesics…an amazing process we like to call COGNITIVE ENGAGEMENT.

If Kinesics shows interest you are ready to use our patented G.A.P technology also known as “Growing a Pair” which works like this:

“Would you like to go out this Friday to a Toy Story Movie Marathon at Marymoor Park at 7:30PM?”

Now the app doesn’t guarantee a match it’s up to the recipient to respond but this time they will need to respond to the person and not pixels by looking you in the eyes and telling you “YES” or “NO”

Now if the potential match says YES you get to move on to a date! From the date you will determine what traditional dating apps call a match %, but what we call Oxytocin Assessment. But what if they say NO?! Oh dear what do we do!

THAT’s OK! Because we have a user base of over 7 billion people, which currently includes married individuals too, if you are into that kind of thing.

Our Diverse User Base! Wow! Even children…weird

Ah yes, I see you skeptics out there.  You want to know if this ACTUALLY REALLY WORKS.  What proof do I have? Well here are what some of our customers and industry experts had to say..


  • Wired Magazine said, “This is the best use of technology we’ve seen since Adam met Eve.”
  • And your Grandparents said, “Without this app, you would have never been born!”

Incredible right!  But what did Tom have to say about his success with the app?  Well I have a note from Tom and here is what he had to say…

“Hi Michael,

I decided to try your dating app….and let me tell you…there was a lot of bugs. How in the hell did you even ship this product?  When I used the feature Ocular Tagging, the only match I saw was my cat. The only way I could find more potential matches was to leave my house. That doesn’t seem very user-friendly.

Once I got out of my house I saw many women outside..I was either too self conscious to approach or the application would FREEZE when I tried to use Oral Linguistics. No words would come out of my mouth…I felt like a total dope. Don’t you guys have a QA department?!

I also found it difficult to use Kinesics. What is that again?

However, I began to get used to the bugs in the dating app and began to realize something….

This dating app does what no piece of technology COULD ever do.  If we show people the bugs, the blemishes, the unfiltered image; we show vulnerability and when we show vulnerability we can truly show people the real authentic me.”

-Tom. H”

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